tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38825068673167800272024-03-13T19:30:01.527-07:00The Final MazeOur family's ongoing tale of life after foster care and adoption.FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.comBlogger219125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-34168190482918596742018-08-31T12:40:00.000-07:002018-08-31T12:40:11.544-07:00The Call No Adoptive Parent WantsYesterday, my phone rang. These days, I get so many unwanted calls from spammers and robots that I don't answer unless I recognize the number. I let the call go to voicemail. Usually, robo-callers don't bother to leave a message, so I was surprised to see that the caller had left one.
This is the message that I received:
Hi this is <name> at <county> Child WelfareFosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-3415232264556514202016-06-07T14:22:00.004-07:002016-06-07T15:04:06.761-07:00A Sad FarewellIt has been a long time since I've posted, and an even longer time since Roc Rebel Granny was active on her blog.
I have a bit of sad news. Granny passed away on Friday, May 20, 2016. She was a very great lady and always kind to me. She'll be greatly missed by her family, friends and many of those in the blogging community.FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-33679132732341400672016-01-13T08:15:00.000-08:002016-01-13T08:15:07.685-08:00The Circle Game
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game
It has been over eight months since I've last posted. I've thought about writing from time to time, but other than a bit of news I received late last summer, FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-82892637336884248652015-05-12T12:14:00.000-07:002015-05-12T12:14:07.011-07:00Mother's DayIf you live in the United States, you are probably well aware of what's been dubbed the "Hallmark Holiday" known as Mother's Day. This is a day where, at least in modern times, we send our mom flowers, take her out to brunch, send her a card, and generally let her know how great she's been all these years.
Believe it or not, the holiday has some pretty dark roots. According to FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-42983433297574175442015-04-08T09:21:00.000-07:002015-04-08T09:21:31.928-07:00Can Foster/Adoptive Parents Ever be Fully Prepared?In response to Guilty for not Loving a Troubled Child, see wrote:
I think the main problem is that you did not know what you were getting into when you adopted a child who went through all kinds of Trauma and abuse. The second problem is that you had no proper counselling [sic] by your side to help you bond with a traumatised child. And so the bonding did not happen.
I think the truth is, no FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-17240453742211136542015-02-03T15:24:00.001-08:002015-02-04T08:46:19.899-08:00Guilty for not Loving a Troubled ChildThe meaning of the word "love," when applied to a troubled child, has been a subject of some debate on this and other foster/adoptive blogs over the years. The blog talkinrealhere has a really good post on the topic.
Realmom writes:
I hear so many parents of troubled kids say, I don't really love my child. They feel guilty, it's a hard thing to say, and they feel like the worst human FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-32072748543918093032014-11-21T21:12:00.000-08:002014-11-21T21:12:58.664-08:00Was Your Heart in it?
In response to The Prodigal Daughter Didn't Return, Ina wrote:
"...it was almost as if FosterEema and I had never been a couple, and Danielle was never our child."
This is really striking. Is it because your heart was never in it, the adoption I mean?
Was my heart in the adoption? The answer to the question isn't so simple.
By the time we were ready to sign adoption papers, our familyFosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-62452003074875733122014-11-19T08:53:00.000-08:002014-11-19T08:53:51.530-08:00The Prodigal Daughter Didn't ReturnDanielle's visit turned out to be substantially different than what I expected. She came to town a week early, interfering with plans for me and my sweetheart to leave town to visit his mother. We had to change plans at the last minute so we'd be in town and available to attend Danielle's birthday party.
Despite all her talk about moving back, by the time her birthday rolled around, FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-23840241154002468672014-09-26T10:20:00.002-07:002014-09-26T10:22:38.419-07:00The Prodigal Daughter Returns?While the title of this post might seem a little odd because I am Jewish, I still thought it somewhat apt, given the circumstances.
I've heard secondhand that Danielle plans to return for a visit. At last word, she'll stay with FosterEema for a few days. After that, my understanding is that she plans to move back to my fair city.
No, she will not live with me.
At last word, FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-45555111722980023992014-09-08T12:17:00.000-07:002014-09-08T12:17:42.346-07:00Who Got the Goldmine and Who Got the Shaft?In response to An Overdue Update, r. asked:
So on to the important stuff-- Who got the birds and the show car?
The short answer to this question: I did.
Our African Grey, Sir Spudly, died in February of 2012. Moonie, our blind macaw, has had several massive seizures over the past two years. Her balance is affected, so she tends to be pretty inactive. Cognitively, she's just FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-80814522006591321842014-09-05T13:37:00.001-07:002014-09-05T13:37:22.657-07:00An Overdue UpdateA couple of days ago, Decemberbaby left a comment on my post Family Relations. I just got around to approving it, and realized that it has been a very long time since my last post.
You know the old saying, "the more things change, the more they stay the same?" I would say it's pretty applicable to what's going on.
FosterEema and Danielle moved out well over a year ago now. FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-66467205492852442672013-12-11T13:43:00.001-08:002013-12-11T13:43:25.729-08:00Family RelationsIn response to Moving On, Ina asked:
How are you getting along with your sister now?
Very little has changed. Shortly after FosterEema and Danielle moved out, I wrote her a letter to share the news. About two months later, she wrote back, sharing some basic news about her kids. I answered that letter but haven't heard back.
Earlier this month I called my sister and left a FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-23490276388693957392013-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:002013-12-09T09:21:24.231-08:00Moving OnI've heard very little from Danielle since she left in early October. I received two one-line messages on a social media site -- one in time for my birthday and another for Thanksgiving. Other than that, I've heard nothing.
I've not heard much from FosterEema as well. She mentioned that Danielle had contacted her asking for a certified copy of her adoption papers. Other FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-86907172473275884712013-11-15T12:39:00.001-08:002013-11-15T12:39:53.141-08:00Abandonment?35 days have passed since Danielle's 18th birthday. The last I heard from her was 34 days ago.
I am not surprised by the lack of communication. In the end, it was pretty clear there wasn't much of a bond between us. FosterEema has received some texts from Danielle, most of them focused on Danielle's desire to come home.
FosterEema, quite understandably, has been steadfast in FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-19386585016010727022013-10-22T08:40:00.000-07:002013-10-22T08:40:50.181-07:00The Cycle Won't Stop HereLess than a week after Danielle left the state to go live with her biological family, she began texting FosterEema.
Danielle wanted to come home. She claimed she had tried to make a go of it, but things just weren't working out.
Tired of Danielle's constant verbal abuse, threats, disrespect and disobedience, FosterEema politely replied that Danielle was free to do as she wished, but FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-31224615786476357882013-10-16T13:55:00.000-07:002013-10-16T17:06:40.521-07:00Failure or SuccessI think most parents would be disappointed if their child withdrew from school on his or her 18th birthday. Certainly that's not the future that we imagined, all those years ago, when we adopted Danielle.
Looking back, I can't remember what I had imagined for her. Certainly when we started fostering and the extent of Danielle's problems weren't known, we had great hopes for her. &FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-54989356304021989352013-10-11T12:22:00.000-07:002013-10-11T12:23:47.341-07:0018It has been over a year since I posted here.
Today Danielle turned 18.
If there is anyone still hoping for updates on our story, here they are.
In July 2012, FosterEema asked for a divorce, though the reasons weren't what you would expect. She decided that she would like to pursue relationships with men. There was no infidelity, no affair, just a change in her orientation.
Last FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-4672106113808524552012-10-02T09:55:00.001-07:002012-10-02T09:56:50.634-07:00The Day I Confronted My TrollThe following excerpts come from an article that appeared on the UK's The Guardian. It is a story about someone who dropped off Twitter because he began to receive threatening messages online.
Eventually, it escalated to in-person harassment.
I received a parcel at my home address. Nothing unusual there – I get lots of post. I ripped it open and there was a Tupperware lunchbox inside FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-26629272154411144432012-09-19T09:07:00.002-07:002012-09-19T09:07:53.822-07:00Lunch TriangulationAh, the ongoing saga of school lunches.
Yesterday, Danielle's teacher e-mailed to tell me that Danielle had gone to school for the second day in a row with no lunch and no money to buy lunch. Danielle had reported she was tired and dizzy. The teacher sought my input.
I replied with the obvious: Please remind Danielle that it is her responsibility to pack a lunch.
This morning, the FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-3133936868440576402012-09-18T12:51:00.002-07:002012-09-18T12:51:32.347-07:00Sex and LunchThis past weekend Danielle was involved in more drama.
I had been gone, spending the day with an old friend. When I returned home, she met me out on the driveway to tell me that she had been "triggered" by something that had happened.
Here's the story as Danielle told it. I'm not entirely sure of the tale's veracity, but here it is...
Danielle was spending the night with her friendFosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-41408601160522442262012-09-11T09:13:00.000-07:002012-09-11T09:28:22.450-07:00A Tearful ApologyYesterday afternoon, Danielle called my stepmother to apologize for her lie. She sobbed out her tearful apology, saying that she had made a mistake and had "misunderstood" something that we said.
My stepmother seemed pretty gracious in accepting the apology, but she did ask Danielle if it was really a misunderstanding, or if it was just a lie.
What did we say that Danielle claimed to FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-10004960883010993742012-09-10T08:51:00.001-07:002012-09-10T08:51:16.640-07:00Child-Induced Family DramaDanielle spent all of Saturday and part of Sunday over at my at my father and stepmother's house. When my stepmother dropped Danielle off, she immediately drove away, instead of coming in to say hello.
We thought it odd. We especially thought it strange when Danielle said, "Grandma needed to go to the bathroom, so she was in a hurry to get home."
Grandma lives 30 minutes away. &FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-15842005077272770432012-09-07T11:01:00.000-07:002012-09-07T11:01:19.442-07:00A Sober RealizationYesterday evening, we made our regularly-scheduled trip to the family therapist. One of the things we discussed at that meeting was Danielle's recent explosion.
Danielle admitted to the therapist that she had stopped taking her medication.
Why?
She doesn't like taking it, and wanted to see if she could get by without it.
I realize that medical non-compliance is very common among the FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-8693778417198189832012-09-05T12:23:00.000-07:002012-09-05T12:23:17.236-07:00Of Meltdowns, School Testing, and CavitiesIn the past, the longest we've been able to go without some sort of violent outburst has been about six months. This time around, we've made it about eight, but it looks like that streak of calm is coming to an end.
Yesterday, Danielle lost it in a big way. She had a meltdown, complete with crying, screaming, ranting, raving, calling names, and throwing things around in her room. &FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3882506867316780027.post-55060188592057982882012-08-28T15:13:00.002-07:002012-08-28T15:13:18.107-07:00If You Wouldn't Accept it from a Friend or RelativeMore of Danielle's birth family has been trying to get in touch with us.
This time, it was an elder half-sibling who wanted us to come to a party. This individual has moved to a nearby town and wanted to get reacquainted.
We didn't even return the phone call.
The other half-sibling, the one we had to make a hard call about, has left us a number of messages by way of voicemail, text FosterAbbahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11431773317761777407noreply@blogger.com3