Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sometimes, You Have to Make the Hard Calls

I haven't been posting lately, largely because there hasn't been much to report.  The medication cocktail of an anti-depressant, combined with an atypical anti-psychotic, has brought Danielle's rages to an absolute halt.  She hasn't had any violent outbursts in several months.

The medications are a godsend.  I'm just sorry that we weren't able to get anyone to listen to us three years ago, when the severe problems started.  If someone had listened, I wonder how things might have been different.

I would be lying if I said things were perfect with respect to Danielle, but she's doing much, much better.  We still have our problems, and we are all looking forward to her 18th birthday, which is now less than 15 months away.  Her plans are to reunite with her birth family, just as soon as it is legally possible.  Still, day-to-day life around here is a lot more manageable and pleasant.

Our biggest struggle at this point is trying to balance contact with Danielle's birth family.  Our challenge, and it's really hard to call it that because things are so much better than they were, has to do with visitation.  At the end of May, we noticed a birth family member was selling prescription drugs on a social media site.

We were rather upset by the development, not only because the activity is blatantly illegal and just plain stupid, but because another family member indicated approval of the sales.  It has become an uncomfortable situation, because one of those family members happens to be geographically closest, and now wants to resume visits with Danielle.

Given that this individual doesn't own a car, until now we've been primarily responsible for providing this person transportation to and from visits.  Now that we've discovered the illicit activity, we have no desire to have this relative in our home, in our car, or around our family.  I don't want a drug dealer, no matter how small, in my life.  I figure I have enough troubles without finding myself having to worry about whether or not someone has a pocket full of drugs if we get pulled over for having a tail light out.

I'm not without sympathy for this individual.  This person has been calling, texting and sending us many messages through social media asking for a visit.  We've largely ignored the requests, not knowing exactly what to say.  When we finally decided upon our response, we texted back and explained our position.  It's clear this relative is very sad.

What I struggle with most is the justification we heard for the behavior.  Apparently, this person "didn't know" that selling someone's prescription medication was illegal.  Although I recognize that this person isn't the brightest bulb in the proverbial box, I don't see how anyone could be so unenlightened as to not know that drug dealing is against the law.

I am sympathetic, but I don't want this person in our life.  Sometimes, you have to make the hard calls.


  1. I am new to your blog and have not read much of it (yet) so I hope I'm not way off-base.

    We have open adoptions with both our kids's bfamilies. Ds's bmom is very different from us and although we don't know details, she could very well be doing things that are illegal/highly questionable? (some of her lifestyle choices are ones we hope our children do not repeat).

    HOWEVER ... she is appropriate in her interactions with ds and with us while we visit.

    I agree with you that it is safer not to transport Bfamily members if you think they may have drugs on their person. However, could you meet at a public place (park, mall, library, festival, go for ice-cream, etc)? Bfamily should make their own way there (for the reasons you explained to them ... good for you for addressing the issue truthfully). Hopefully the meeting place can be relatively easy for them to get to.

    We do this kind of thing with ds's bmom. As long as she is appropriate while we visit (as a family), we will continue visits. We stay within earshot distance.

    'Just a thought.

    'Looking forward to reading more on your Blog.

    MariaG (Canada)

  2. No advice, sorry. I think at this point all my kids' biofamily is on the right side of the law (probably my son is the most criminal of the bunch), but that doesn't mean I want them anywhere near my kids. I've allowed phone contact with the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... pretty much everyone but bioparents, and it's been really stressful and traumatic for my daughter. BioGma especially is extremely negative and constantly telling my daughter stuff she can't handle. I have to decide soon if I'm going to back to slowing down or stopping all contact.


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