Sometimes, Your Gut is Right

Long time followers might remember a little girl that I named U.G. (Uninvited Guest) on my old blog.  This was a kid who came to the house several times without an invitation, and we had quite a few problems because her behavior stank and we couldn't communicate with her mother who didn't speak a word of English.

Danielle had begged to be allowed to spend the night at U.G.'s house, but we always felt uncomfortable with the idea.  U.G.'s behavior was an issue, as was the communication impasse, but we had a gut feeling that things weren't quite right over there.  Later, we learned that an aunt (who was living with the family) had deliberately burned one of her children after the child had been caught stealing.

We finally put a stop to the girls' visits when U.G. came along on an especially lousy outing.  She was openly defiant (and egged Danielle on) when we expected appropriate behavior in a bookstore and in a restaurant.  Since we'd had ongoing troubles with her, this was the straw that broke the camel's back.  We put an end to visits at our house.

The last time we visited with U.G. was back in January of 2007. 

At the time, I felt somewhat guilty for depriving Danielle of visits with her friend.  Still, we couldn't find a way around her behavior.  We thought about hiring an interpreter to speak with her mother, who seemed nice enough.  In the end, we decided it wasn't our responsibility to foster a friendship with a kid who wouldn't behave.  Besides, we had some valid questions about her mother's character, simply because her child behaved so terribly.

Still, it turns out that our instincts for keeping Danielle away from the girl (and her family) were correct.  We recently heard U.G.'s brother is now wanted for murdering his girlfriend in an extremely horrible and brutal way.

More on All It Takes is an Accusation

I was talking to a long-time buddy of mine who told me something that made me so angry, I wanted to punch someone.

She told me a tale that is so disturbing, upsetting, sad, and ironic I couldn't believe it.

Here's the story:

About four years ago, my friend was a relative caregiver for several children.  As kids often do when they don't get their way, they made a false abuse allegation against her.  The child welfare authorities came in, and even though there was no evidence of abuse, they took the kids.

Although the kids quickly recanted their allegations, it was too late.  My friend was labeled a child abuser, and was told that she would only be allowed supervised visitation with the children, because she was obviously so dangerous.  For a variety of reasons, which I won't go into here to keep my friend's privacy, she decided not to fight.  The children were taken into foster care, and there they stayed.

My friend refused to participate in supervised visitation because she hadn't done anything wrong.

One of the kids has since turned 18.  The others are still minors, but well into their teen years.

Fairly recently, the social worker involved in the case decided that supervised visitation wasn't really necessary.  My friend was finally allowed visits with the kids.  Pretty soon, the foster parents were wanting to use her as respite, and the children were being allowed to stay longer and longer.

And now, the most stunning news of all.

A few days ago, the children's social worker called my friend and asked if she would be willing to take the children back.

Yes, that's right folks.  After all these years of being labeled a child abuser, social services had suddenly changed their mind.  Now, instead of being a child abuser, she is a preferred caregiver.

It seems that the kids had been placed in separate foster homes, and the worker was eager to reunite them.  Since none of the foster families involved were willing to take on more children, and the preference is to place kids with relative caregivers when possible, my friend's home suddenly became the logical choice.  The worker even unofficially apologized and admitted that they had made a mistake those four long years ago.

Removing the children from my friend's  home hadn't been necessary after all.

When my friend told me the news, I was so angry I found myself trembling in rage.  Although I am delighted my friend was vindicated, because she truly was innocent of wrongdoing, I am enraged at the damage this has caused to her, the kids involved, and her extended family.

The system in this case was so eager to take children away from the "evil abuser" that they didn't bother to stop and really check out the allegations.  There was no physical evidence that the kids had been abused, and all it took was the words of a few angry teenagers to put things in motion that couldn't be stopped when the children later recanted their stories.

The terrible thing about this is that my friend had cared for these kids, without complaint, for most of their lives because of an earlier tragedy.  She was trying to do the right thing for her kin, and the child welfare system punished her for it.  The kids went to foster care, she was drug through the emotional wringer, and her good name spoiled by an ugly mark in a computer database somewhere.

And now, because it's convenient, expedient and less expensive, they want to give the kids back?

I am outraged.

But I also have to think about the kids here.  I think about how they have spent the past few years in foster homes, separated, and not allowed to visit with some of their relatives.  I know that the kids, especially the instigator, are struggling with guilt.  They know that their lies have done unalterable damage to their relative caregiver, their family and each other.

And all because the system is so eager to remove kids from their homes without bothering to really investigate.

My friend's case is not the only case like this.  Back in September, SocialWrker24/7 wrote about a case where she thought a mistake had been made:

I feel deep down in my gut that a horrible mistake has been made with this family. That perhaps the doctors were mistaken. That a decision was made too quickly. That what we initially classified as resistance and manipulation was more likely confusion and desperation. I'm neither doctor nor investigator and I was not present during the investigation to see all the evidence.

But, I am convinced that these children should never have been taken from their parents.

Happily, the children were returned to their parents. Still their case isn't over:

They will be continually monitored - in fact, way more frequently than usual. We are still trying to get to the root of their medical condition, but making strides forward I hope. I will still hold my breath and hope that the other shoe doesn't drop. If this job has taught me anything, its that nothing is always as it seems. I expect that this case will be open for quite a while, but I do hope this is the beginning of the end.

Keep them in your prayers, won't you?

Keep them in our prayers?

Although I'm glad that SocialWrker24/7 had the guts to admit that a mistake was made in this case, I am disgusted that she seems to support the continued monitoring of this family.

How about social services get the fuck out of these people's lives?

Now there is something unusual about both of these cases. It's rare that individual social workers are willing to admit to mistakes. In our case, we've been accused of wrongdoing, spent a year in court and have been investigated four times, and not once has anyone ever apologized for the emotional and financial destruction the system has brought upon our family.  Even though we have been cleared of any wrongdoing and charges were unfounded, which means the allegations couldn't possibly have happened, no one has ever admitted they were wrong or apologized for the damage they've done.

I know there are some who believe that "protecting the children" should be a priority, and that the innocent families who end up destroyed as a result of overzealous investigations are simply collateral damage.  I know that there are some folks who believe that the good of the many outweighs the good of the few, or even the one family that might be injured by this process.

But me, I believe that the child welfare system, in its current form, is simply evil.  It is in the business of destroying families, and reallocating resources and kids, all in the name of "the best interests" of the children involved.

Best interests?  My ass.

Going back to my friend's story, she has decided not to take the children back, at least for now.  Having been through the wringer once, having been falsely accused of wrongdoing and having no one listen to her, she quite reasonably believes that the same thing could happen again.  She was nearly destroyed the first time this happened, and she isn't prepared to go through this again, the next time she says no to one of the kids.

My friend quite wisely realizes that she can either be a parent or a loving relative to these kids, but not both.  For now, she wants to keep her role as the loving relative, and to be able to enjoy her time and visits with the kids.  She wants to be able to love and spoil them without having the daily responsibilities of parenting.

And I don't blame her one bit.

Now I realize that I've kept the details of my friend's story a bit vague.  I have her permission to share her story, anonymously, because what has happened here needs to be brought to the light of day.  My friend has decided not to go public herself, because some of the kids involved are still underage, and she wants to protect their privacy.  I understand and respect that.

But it's stories like these that need to be brought forward.  Unless and until the public becomes truly aware of the abuses that the child welfare system inflicts on innocent and undeserving families, the system will be allowed to run roughshod over anyone who has, or cares about, children.

All It Takes is an Accusation

Yesterday, Danielle accused me of abusing her while we were having a discussion with someone who is a mandated reporter.

The exchange was brief.  She made her accusation, I denied it, and then she called me a liar.  Her point was off-topic to the conversation, as she was in the hot seat at that particular moment.  It was clear she was trying to redirect everyone's attention away from the situation at hand.

So I'm not sure that her accusation, this time, will go anywhere.  This particular mandated reporter is well aware of Danielle's past history of making false allegations, and I believe has the wisdom to recognize that the allegation was simply an attempt at misdirection.

We'll see what happens, I guess. If a report is filed, the authorities have 30 days to investigate.

I'm finding myself frustrated that all it takes is an accusation to trigger an investigation that can disrupt a family for days, weeks, or even months.  It doesn't matter if the accuser is an angry teen who wants to get back at her parents, a ticked-off neighbor who doesn't like where you park your car, or even some random person you have never met from the Internet.  There doesn't even have to be any preliminary evidence that there's a problem.  All someone has to do is make an accusation, and that's enough to send child welfare authorities hurtling into your child's school and your home.

Thoughts on Giving Up

Kari has been having a really tough time with her youngest daughter.  As a result of an explosion that happened this morning, she expects to be investigated again by the child welfare authorities.  In her post, she wrote:

I went downstairs and told StarBUCK that I did not want to be in a room with her without a witness or a camera because of the way she was acting. If she goes to school and tells her teachers that I threw her off her bed this morning, they will understandably call CPS.

Now Kari did not throw her daughter off the bed this morning. Her daughter threw herself to the floor, but it won't matter if she tells a different story at school this morning.

After this incident, Kari thought about giving up.

I know how she feels.

Prior to our adoption, we spent a year fighting with, and being investigated by, child welfare professionals.  We had slew of social workers, therapists, and supervisors traipsing through our lives, trying to prove that we were unfit to adopt Danielle.  The motivation for this was anti-GLBT bias, and at the very end, the judge made it clear that he felt it was the Department's motivation.  After the adoption, we were investigated for child abuse four more times.

Although we were cleared of any wrongdoing each and every time, the experiences left a bad taste in my mouth.  All of the investigations were triggered by Danielle complaining (and sometimes flat-out lying) about her life with us, and the resulting anxiety, lost productivity at work, and overall bad feelings triggered by the investigations really sucked.

Like Kari, we have been to the point of being absolutely tired of living this way.  After being investigated, multiple times, for absolute bullpucky, I have had the same thought cross my mind more than once:

Maybe I should just let them take her.

It's not that I don't care about my kid.  I do care.  It's just that there's no defense against repeated false allegations.  If my kid makes 1, 5, 10 or even 1,000 false reports, each and every one of them has to be investigated.

There comes a point, after working with therapist after therapist, social worker after social worker, and professional after professional, where one just gets tired.

The last time we were investigated, we basically told the worker that if she wanted to invite every one of the investigators to our house for a BBQ, so they could satisfy themselves that there really isn't a problem, she was welcome to do so.  We also casually mentioned that if she really wanted Danielle back, we were tired enough of repeated investigations that we'd accommodate her request.  Surprisingly, the worker seemed a lot less interested in her investigation after that.  After wasting three hours in her office, she sent us home.

I often feel as if I have very little fight left in me.  It's clear that even Danielle's new therapist, who seems like the most insightful of the bunch that we've seen, still doesn't fully "get it."  Just like the professionals in Kari's life, she fails to understand the complexities of my child, and she doesn't recognize that my child's chronological age is far greater than her emotional maturity.

Although I can certainly say that medication has made a big difference in Danielle's mood, it hasn't fixed her maturity or her decision-making skills.  It won't magically fix her educational delays, or motivate her to work hard to achieve educational, material and financial goals.

So there are days when I feel like all we have done is futile.  We can't fix any of this, and there are days when I think maybe it's time to give up, and to surrender to what feels like the inevitable bad end to this story.