Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Disservice to Adoptive Parents

All I can say is, "oh yeah," to what Corey said yesterday:

[S]omething has been bothering me for some time, and it came to a head yesterday with a post someone wrote about anger. In the "trauma" community, I have seen a trend that maybe started as cheerleading and people wanting to be supportive. But somewhere along the way, it has morphed into something hurtful. It is this unwavering assertion that all children can be healed, and a fervent "don't EVER give up hope!" mentality.

Corey goes on to say why this mentality is hurtful to the adoption community. Please, please, please, go read her post.

She goes on to say more...

Parents of neurotypical kids don't understand. Parents of adopted kids who do not have attachment issues are even more critical and judgmental, IMHO. After all, THEIR kid is okay, so it must be you.

And it's not just parents of neurotypical kids.  It's therapists who are manipulated and triangulated by the superficial sweetness and charm of our damaged children.  It's family members, friends, social contacts, and even well-meaning strangers*.  It's even creeps from the Internet who think it's okay to stalk, harass, and threaten my family.

And then she writes:

I realize this sounds angry and reactionary. Clearly it struck a nerve with me... but I am tired of moms whose kids are not healing feeling like they have to stand in the back. If your child is not healing, is is NOT because of you. It is not because you don't love them enough or you haven't tried enough therapies, or you're not parenting them the "right" way or ANYTHING that has to do with you. It's because your child has a mental illness, a personality disorder that stole from them and from you. And while it is not their fault, it also is not YOURS that you can't heal them.

Bingo.  Thank you Corey.

* Given our family's experiences, I am not sure I can say that most strangers are well-meaning.

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