We had an interesting meeting with the therapist this week.
And when I say "interesting," I think I mostly mean frustrating.
We were talking about how things were going, and the therapist started asking Danielle about her level of compliance with our rules and expectations. She, quite honestly, admitted that she often didn't follow the rules or do what was expected.
"I forget on purpose," she said.
She tried to deny that forgetting on purpose is the same thing as making a conscious choice to disobey.
Like I said, it was rather frustrating.
At one point, Danielle was excused from the room so we adults could discuss goals. It's clear, from how all three of us feels, that the possibility of a sail-off-into-the-sunset happy ending isn't going to happen. We talked about what we each wanted, and how we felt.
Then Danielle was called back into the room.
When she returned, the therapist called a truce. She basically told Danielle that we don't have to love each other, we don't even have to like each other, but we do have to get along.
The therapist elaborated on what she meant by this. When she was finished, she asked Danielle, "Is this okay with you?"
Danielle was very non-committal. "I guess," she shrugged.
What Now?
3 years ago
Actually, it's better that she just lay it out there like this than to continue to expect you to earn Danielles' love and respect. I have come to the conclusion that while I loved and was bonded to my adopted children, they were not attached to me and, love? well, I think they try to make it look like love sometimes, but it's an act for the most part. Knowing that, I have slowly come to the realization that while I can always be their Mom, I may just need to do it from afar the minute I am legally able to. I know the rest of the world will look at this as rejection of these poor, floundering young adults when the time comes, but truthfully, it will be sanity preserving for all of us. I will always be here, but it doesn't mean I have to participate in the games, manipulations, etc. My 18 yo is currently sending me texts of her new tattoos, hair colors, lip rings, etc. trying to goad me into a reaction (oh so innocently, of course) and I won't bite. Living with it, and watching from afar are VERY different. I don't like the decisions she's making - she knows this quite well. The whole point of the texts is to get a reaction, something I would have done when she was living here - but no more. I wish I could have called a truce for the last year she lived with me. I wish I could have refrained from voicing my opinion because all I did was feed her dysfunction. All I did was reinforce to her that she could irritate me and make ME miserable. Keep putting it all back in her lap - she is choosing to push you away, she is choosing to be violent, she is the only one that can change the dynamic. The non-commital answers ("I guess", "I'm not sure", "I don't know") are another area that makes me crazy, but again, it's her choice to answer this way - you cannot speak for her, she won't let you anyway.
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