A Checklist to Prepare Yourself

This morning Tara, over at The Short Bus, wrote a list of the things you need to be prepared for if you plan to become a step-parent.

After reading her list, I noticed that the majority of it applies equally well to foster or adoptive parenting.

Go read.  It's a good list.

I couldn't help but notice that there were recurring themes in her list:

• The strains that are placed on one's relationship with one's spouse
• The abuse, disrespect and lack of regard the children have for their step-parent, which is exacerbated by past trauma and history of mental illness
• The triangulation of parents, teachers and professionals
• The involvement of child welfare officials

If you remove "step-parent" from this list and replace it with "foster parent" or "adoptive parent," I think this sums up many people's experiences.

Granted, I think the presence of any children in a home, whether they are biological, foster or adopted, can create similar situations.  Unfortunately, I think the problem is worse when dealing with a step, foster, or adoptive parenting situation, simply because of the number of people involved. It seems that, no matter what you do, there is always someone watching over your shoulder, making second-guesses about your parenting.

Add to that a special needs child, especially if that child has attachment problems, FASD, or past trauma, and the possibilities of false allegations, accusations, and criticism become endless.

I think this serves as a larger commentary on our society.  Why is it, when we look at the challenges special-needs children have, that parents are always presumed guilty until proven innocent?